Orange Cassidy Is Doing Something Or Whatever Recap: Christmas Chaos Deathmatch, 1-Minute Ironman

Show opens with Orange Cassidy in the ring, wearing his signature sunglasses. He thanks everyone for attending, then asks if anyone would like to be the ring announcer since he forgot to hire one. He picks a guy at a bar.

Denver Colorado and Sarah Joy Shockey from the Marty and Sarah Love Wrestling podcast are on commentary. The first match announced is a Lumberjack Swamp Monster Match! It's also a Fatal-Four way elimination to determine who is the "Queen of the Swamp. Swamp Monsters surround the ring. (You read that right.) Allie Kat is out first, followed by Shotzi Blackheart and Kris Statlander. Saraya Knight is out last.

Allie Kat versus Shotzi Blackheart versus Kris Statlander versus Saraya Knight.

A very exciting opener. Kat tries to get the other participants to pet her stomach, but Knight nails her with a kick to he hamstring. Knight runs rampant on Shotzi and Statlander for a bit. The three-women team up on Knight, eliminating her first.

Saraya Knight has been eliminated.

Fun spots with the three women left. Shotzi impresses with some running sentons off the apron. She's able to get the better of Statlander to send her packing.

Kris Statlander has been eliminated.

Just Kat and Shotzi left. Kat goes for a suicide dive, and uses the Swamp Monsters on the outside to crowd surf. They slowly push her at Shotzi. Crowd loved it. Kat scratches at Shoti, blocks a maneuver, then lands her finishing piledriver to win the opener.

Allie Kat wins by pinfall and is the new "Queen of the Swamp."

Ring announcer tells us that the next bout is a 7-out-of-13 falls between Chris Brookes and Logan Easton Laroux.

Chris Brookes versus Logan Easton Laroux

Brookes hits a low-blow, giving the first fall to Laroux. His masked friend also low-blows Laroux, putting Brookes down 0-2. A quick submission and pinfall victory tie it back up. Laroux then rolls Brookes up....they go back and forth each scoring pinfall victories, and getting it up to 6-6. Next fall wins! After some shenanigans and outside interference, Brookes is able to steal the last fall with a cradle.

Chris Brookes wins 7-6.

The winner of the net match is promised a $20 gift card to Friendlys. Loud chants for Friendlys by the crowd, who is perfect for this type of show. Referee whispers something to the ring announcer...he reveals that the gift card is only for $16. Competitors all come out.

Jigsaw versus Air Wolf versus Sonny Defarge versus Tony Deppen versus Jake Atlas versus Dan Champion versus Lucky 13

Action was fast and furious in this one. Champion really shined, showing off incredible feats of strength. Deppen was riding his wave of heat after beating No Legs at Spring Break last night. Air Wolf and Atlas were on point as always, taking out the lot with a series of high-risk spots and dives. Defarge nearly stole this won with a discuss lariat, but Jigsaw was able to land the right of passage for the victory.

Jigsaw wins by pinfall

Jigsaw tells the ref to place the gift card around his waist like a title. He's pretty excited to go to Friendlys.

Next match is a "5'oclock somewhere" grudge match. The rules are simple: Every thirty seconds the two competitors have to chug a beer. Nate Webb is out first. He's already got a beer in hand, and has an extended entrance drinking and singing with the crowd. He's even able to coax the referee into doing a jig. His opponent...Session "Moth" Martina also comes out intoxicated. Ref screams "God Help Us" before ringing the bell.

Nate Webb versus Session "Moth" Martina in a "5 o'clock somewhere" match

The entirety of this bout involved Webb and Moth being to drunk to function. Great sequence where Moth goes for a suicide dive, but instead runs the ropes until she's winded. They continuously chug beer, getting the crowd to chant "chug" every time the thirty-second period is up. They trade spitting beer in each other's face, and get the crowd going with a series of nearfalls, including a superplex by Moth. Eventually Webb and Moth knock each other out with a double-lariat. Referee counts them both out, and declares the matchup a double-blackout.

Nate Webb and Session "Moth" Martina ends in a double-blackout. "Everybody wins. Everybody loses."

The Dodgeball Challenge is next! Competitors are: Red Eagle, Wheeler YUTA, MJF, Jeff Cannonball, Terra Calaway, Arik Royal, Daniel Makabe, Shazza McKenzie and Sage Phillips. Team captain for the red team is Veda Scott. Team captain for the blue team is Faye Jackson. They draft their team right in the ring:

Team Red: Veda Scott, Jeff Cannonball, Daniel Makabe, Shazza McKenzie, Sage Phillips

Team Blue: Faye Jackson, Arik Royal, Red Eagle, Wheeler YUTA, Terra Calaway

MJF is livid that he wasn't chosen. He's so mad that he takes the dodgeballs and runs away. Veda Scott says that since they can't play dodgeball...they'll have...wait for it...a wrestling match. Funnily enough, the crowd boos. They chants "wrestling sucks" and "we want dodgeball." (It's all in good fun.)

Team Blue versus Team Red

Wild back-and-forth action. It starts out as a normal tag but quickly breaks down, with everyone ending up on the outside for a series of high-spots. Yuta takes out everybody with a flying crossbody. Royal impresses with a suicide dive. Same from Jackson. Terra Calaway introduces a dodgeball into the match, throwing it at her husband, Cannonball, before locking him up in a crossface. As each member of the Red Team tries to break the hold, they are put into a submission from some on Blue Team. They all submit at the same time.

Team Blue wins the Dodgeball Challenge by submission.

Ring announcer introduces a special guest. A world-wide talent, and celebrated author...Teddy Hart. Hart comes out with his trusty cat, Mr. Velvet. The Reading Rainbow theme is playing. Hart grabs a microphone and says that GCW contacted him a week ago about reading a story, and that he was all about it. He goes on a rant thanking the fans for their support, being happy that he's no longer in jail, and looking forward to his comeback. He then rips on WWE and Vince McMahon for over-producing professional wrestling before commending promotions like GCW for just allowing the talent to have creative control. He calls Orange Cassidy a genius, then asks him to come out to pet his cat. Cassidy obliges. Hart finally gets around to reading a book...which is about cats. Crowd pops after every line. They chant for Hart to read another book. He says he can't read and spent all night memorizing that story, which was three pages. Hart ends the segment by thanking the fans for their support, and for their hard work in supporting the future stars of the industry.

Next match is just an old-school fashioned Wrasslin bout. Jonathan Gresham against Shinjiro Otani.

Shinjiro Otani versus Jonathan Gresham

Gresham tries to ground Otani early, targeting the arm and softening him up for a submission. His biggest mistake is that he attempts to strike Otani, who wins every exchange. Nice back and forth sequence towards the end, but Otani lands a huge haymaker, followed by a reverse sit-out powerbomb to snatch the W.

Shinjiro Otani wins by pinfall.

A one-minute Ironman match is next. It's between the "Best Friends," Trent Beretta and Chuck Taylor. They come out together.

Trent Beretta versus Chuck Taylor

Trent and Chuck spend the first 45 seconds show-boating. Right as they tie-up the bell rings. It's a draw. Referee indulges the crowd and says he'll add 5 more seconds. On the restart, Trent rolls up Chuck for the victory!

Trent Beretta wins by pinfall.

Chuck Taylor looks pissed, and fakes like he's going to attack Trent. They end up hugging to the delight of the fans.

Main event time. The ring is set up with a christmas tree covered in barbed wire, a door covered in barbed wire, a door covered in christmas ornaments, as well as other weapons around the ring. It's announced as a Christmas Chaos Deathmatch between Ultramantis Black and Nick Gage.

Nick Gage versus Ultramantis Black in a Christmas Chaos Deathmatch

Very violent affair. Gage takes the early advantage by shotgun-dropkicking Black straight through the barbed-wire table. Fight spills to the outside where Black is able to mount some offense, punting Gage in the face from the apron. Gage continues to go back to the well, smashing Black with chair shots and tossing him into the crowd. As the fight returns to the ring, Gage nails a superplex from the top rope sending Black through the Christmas ornaments. Black pulls out the thumbtacs, but they end up betraying him, as he gets slammed on them. Gage wins with his signature backbreaker.

Nick Gage wins by pinfall.

As soon as the match ends MJF comes from out of nowhere and smashes a Gage in the head with a chair. He gets on the mic and berates the crowd for attending this show, claiming that it's not real wrestling and that he's the only real wrestler in the building. Orange Cassidy sneaks up behind him but MJF turns around in time. MJF calls Cassidy an idiot for not knowing how to execute a sneak attack. Cassidy spits the orange mist in his face! Gage then hits MJF with a backbreaker. Black naisl MJF with a Rikishi Driver onto the tacs. They all pose in the ring. Orange Cassidy gets on the microphone and tells everyone to leave.

That's the show friends.