Total Bellas S3 E4 Recap: Finally, An Episode Not About Breaking Up With John Cena
Let's be fair: anyone with a half-brain already knows that the "breakup" between Nikki Bella and John Cena is a total work. And that's neither here nor there — a show needs ratings, after all, and someone has to put up with John Cena, so better Nikki than anyone else.
But still, it was getting boring to watch episode after episode of Total Bellas, knowing that they were going to re-hash the same-old, same-old, only for those two to get back together anyway.
So it was a nice change to watch Total Bellas S3 E4 and see, y'know, wrestling for once.
Of course, it wouldn't be Total Bellas without John Cena wanting to get his few minutes of screen time, even if it is by proxy — in this case, a "heartfelt" letter and flowers. Bro, you're allegedly broken up with this girl, thus doing her the biggest favor of her life. Must you rub it in that she'll never find another quite like you — because, in some cases, that's kinda-sorta the point.
Naturally, too, John has to have a wangst of his own as he ponders why Nikki broke up with him. "Did she fall out of love with me?" he asks. (Nope.) "Is there a chance we'll get back together?" he asks. (Bro, you already know she ain't goin' nowhere.) "And how can I make it work with her?" he asks. (Try removing your head from firmly up your own tuchas — that's a nice start.)
A telenovela has a better grip on reality.
Brie, ever the patient sister, comforts her twin after this latest salt-pouring. I don't know how Brie puts up with this high school drama, but she is a better woman than I, by orders of magnitude — anyone else would have ended up on the ID Channel, not the E! Channel, after having to deal with this crap.
Moving on...
There's a cute little segment where Nikki and Brie's mom is encouraged to conquer her fears and become the weather-woman that she always dreamed of becoming. For what it's worth, she didn't do that bad of a job.
Then it's finally time for some RASSLIN'.
So the Women's Royal Rumble is coming up, and the Bellas aren't exactly ready to go. Between Brie not stepping into the ring since baby Birdie came along, and Nikki being knocked out of commission with a neck injury while wangsting over John Cena (just her luck — TWO pains in the neck...), getting back into the ring is going to prove a risky proposition.
Brie hilariously points out that she doesn't think the fans will recognize her since, throughout her entire career, she's shown off her stomach — but ever since she's had Birdie, she's not showing off her stomach. Um...so fans only recognize your stomach? Girl, bye. Bye Felicia.
Nikki's doctor, apparently, doesn't exactly give her the all-clear to get back in the ring, either, but Brie — ever the savior — puts her sister's mind at ease about the ordeal.
Still, it wasn't enough to hear her sister tell her to take two Fukitol pills and call her in the morning, so Nikki wangsts through a bunch of emotions to try to get through the Women's Royal Rumble — because after all, they're all back in Orlando, which is where OMG SHE ONCE LIVED WITH THE LOVE OF HER LIFE. And she's back in Orlando in the ring where OMG THE LOVE OF HER LIFE PROPOSED. I'm surprised she didn't see a box of tampons and think OMG THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, NOW AVAILABLE IN BABY POWDER SCENT.
And see, folks, this is how you know the breakup was a work: if Nikki Bella really broke up with John Cena, she'd have used the opportunity to get back in the ring right after a breakup as an opportunity to take out her frustrations on EVERY woman that set foot in it during the Women's Royal Rumble, thus walking out of there a winner. In the Bella twins' prime, those ladies could fight. And that 'roided out bastard made her suffer just weeks before they were gonna walk down the aisle — how dare he, ol'Ferdinand the Bull ass? But no, instead, Nikki wangsts, Brie gets Mommy Guilt, and Asuka walks out of there a winner.
Still, for what it's worth, the Bellas put on a hell of a show, and became part of WWE history with their performance. But while Brie walks out of there with a measure of confidence — "I'm just so inspired now for all my fans for making me feel really, really good in my mom body. I love my body no matter what." — Nikki walks out of there wangsting about John Cena.
"It's so hard. I'm going to be a part of this major historic moment, but I can't help but have all this John stuff on my mind," she said.
Insert a million facepalm emojis here. Get it together, Nikki.
Total Bellas airs every Sunday at 9:00 p.m. EST on E! Networks.