WWE Star Big E Recalls Growing Up With Depression And Struggling With His Body Image

Big E has enjoyed plenty of success, capturing the WWE Championship along with being part of one of the most decorated tag teams of all time in The New Day. He's also been one of WWE's most powerful stars in recent memory, with his strength and look being one of his greatest assets in addition to his positive attitude. However, in a biographical essay for The Players' Tribune, Big E described how opposite his life was prior to professional wrestling, revealing that he dealt with depression and insecurities over body image growing up. 

"I feared my dad ... but I wouldn't say I felt trapped by him. Like, somewhere deep down, I think I knew I'd eventually be able to escape the household he raised us in. But as time passed, I started to realize more and more that what I actually couldn't escape was myself. I started to have these sinking feelings: I was trapped in a body that I hated, and with a mind that hated me. I despised how my body looked during those years. I was convinced it was too fat, too short. I wanted a six-pack I'd never have, and to be tall like I never would be. And honestly? I wanted to be handsome. That last one I felt a deep insecurity about, in this way that became a very sad cycle." 

Big E also explained that he never thought he was attractive, wasn't comfortable around women, and didn't have his first kiss until grad school, leaving him with feelings of embarrassment and the thought that he was ugly. However, this only marked the beginning of his negative view of himself.

Big E continued to outline how severe his depression had become, sharing that he was unaware of how much his mental health had deteriorated. He explained that he felt confused, as if he couldn't comprehend what was happening to him. 

"I don't think I really understood what was even happening to it back then. I don't think I knew I was 'depressed' ... but I definitely was. I don't think I knew I was 'suicidal' ... but I thought about wanting to die daily. I just felt trapped inside my own head — like it was controlling me and not vice-versa." 

The former WWE Champion also revealed that he suffered from hallucinations and episodes where he'd feel like he couldn't control his mind. According to Big E, these experiences left him with intrusive thoughts and feeling stuck in an ongoing cycle. 

"I'd get these scary hallucinations. Like I'd be staring at the TV, turned off ... when suddenly these demons would be all over the screen. Or I'd look up at the ceiling ... and suddenly thousands and thousands of bugs would be crawling on it. And what's crazy is, I'd know they're hallucinations." 

Big E explained that he often felt lost and didn't know who he wanted to be, especially after struggling as a pre-med student and feeling ashamed that he tore both of his ACLs. He also revealed that he signed up for therapy at the age of 19 and was diagnosed with major depression and psychotic features. Despite therapy being difficult for him, Big E admitted that the biggest change throughout his journey was recognizing that he was no longer suffering alone.

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